no he can't read my poker face. (she's got to love nobody)

heartcrash_x @ 2007-09-09T02:52:00

2007-09-09T07:53:01Z

here's to drinking orange juice out of the carton at 3am because nobody's up to know.

heartcrash_x @ 2007-09-07T20:01:00

2007-09-07T01:05:56Z

yesterday. really, really bad fight with my dad.
of course it's raining.
of course I'm going to run off crying.
of course nobody even knows I left
of course nobody even comes looking for me.
I didn't think I was going to go back
But I did
though not sure why. what the hell is here for me?
what is it with this week? so much fucking drama.

today. my brother is here
things are good for right now
he's moving down here. fuck yes.
bring on the parties.

lifes not too short, it's just that you're dead for so long.
key

heartcrash_x @ 2007-09-04T23:44:00

2007-09-04T04:49:01Z

You're a liar.
I don't believe a fucking word you said because you don't have the shit to back it up.
Yes, I'm angry.
Yes, I'm hurt.
Yes, I'm dissapointed.
Yes, I cried.
And yes, I'm stupid.
I trusted you.
Look where that got me.

just remember
this hurt me a fucking whole lot more than it hurt you.
this killed me.

could you cry a little?
die just a little?
pretend that you feel a little more pain?
forget not wanting something in return.
could you cry a little for me

like i did for you.

heartcrash_x @ 2007-09-04T21:38:00

2007-09-04T02:44:05Z

You don't know my name
You don't know anything about me
And you've been all wrong
I'm not who you think I am
You've never given me the chance

You don't know how it feels
To be outside the crowd
You don't know what it's like
To be left out
And you don't know how it feels
To be your own best friend on the outside looking in

Well, I'm tired of staying at home
I'm bored and all alone
I'm sick of waisting all my time.
[for you.]

heartcrash_x @ 2007-08-21T12:55:00

2007-08-21T17:55:11Z

Friday:
Stand in the rain, not too close to the ground though.
You have less of being struck by lightning there.

You can't lay down and die now.

Saturday
Mountain dew, Benadryl and sour patch kids are the only thing in my system.
I never did lead a healthy life. Rodeo isn’t a healthy life. It's filled with false hope and dissapointment. You never come out ahead either way. Win or lose.
Take it to the crowd, swing wide on the right and all falls down from there.

Third. Second loser. There's no more hope. There's not enough time now and there's too much time on the clock. Too many numbers for a win.

You don't understand, It's not okay. Rodeo is my fucking life and I'm losing at it.

Point and aim for Chicago, pray I don't miss and land in a hospital.

heartcrash_x @ 2007-07-22T22:30:00

2007-07-23T03:34:37Z

so, i'm thinking of deleting this journal. my screen name. my myspace. my quizilla and everything else and just starting all over without telling anyone else unless someone, anyone, can give me one damn good reason not too.

And I don't want to hear this whole "I love you" shit I've been hearing lately.
This whole world is full of liars anyway.

heartcrash_x @ 2007-07-22T21:57:00

2007-07-23T03:00:56Z

Friday:

It's storming outside
Inside too.
Have you ever listened to the rain?
I mean, actually closed your eyes, pressed your forehead to the pane and listened to it pound on the window?
I don't mean to sound poetic, but it's beautiful.
It creates this song in your ear, like the Gods are sending you your own song.
And it's just yours. No one else's.
And for that time that it rains nothing is more important than listening to your song.
You can create your own words to it, imagine them in your head because writing them down would useless because nothing sounds as good on paper than it does in your own head.
Don't bother to tell anyone else the lyrics because you already know they wouldn't understand.
I think my lyrics are just as dark as the rain clouds.
Although, I think the sun would be more of your giving.
Because you're bright.. happy.
On the most part anyway.

I need more of the sun before I get washed away.

Saturday:
It’s raining.
Emotions don’t control the weather but for today I’m going to believe they do.
And I’m going to create a storm.
The heavens will send me the rain provided by Mike’s tears.
I’ll create the thunder with my voice and the lightning with my hands.
We’ll see who’ll be the last to stand.

This weekend sucked and in the worse way. I won’t go into detail mostly because I know I don’t have the time and just because I really don’t want too. This is a ‘no questions asked’ entry by the way. That includes you Liv.
Spent over an hour with five different cops Saturday.
Almost beat the living shit out of some day for calling Mike a thief and a crook.
I’m serious, if Chas wouldn’t be so freaking tall and was holding me back and if those cops weren’t there, there would’ve been a throw down.
I have a bad temper and a short fuse so it’s best if you don’t fucking piss me off.
You’ll never know how fucking bad that pissed me off.
So much, I was almost to the point of crying because I couldn’t do anything about it.
And Mike isn’t here to defend him own self.
God, rest his soul.
“I’m almost a lawyer.”
Bullshit. That’s like almost being pregnant you douche.
You’re about one clown away from being a circus buddy. Seriously, how much more stupider can you get?
In the end, we got $1,500 dollars and a guy went home with what was technically our horse. Fucking bastards this town has.
May God have mercy on you because I will not.
That was Saturday evening and I could’ve used someone to talk to.
But obviously I pissed her off and she turned her phone off.
I won’t say whom because I’m pretty sure she already knows who she is.

Saturday evening, about thirty minutes after the cops left, I destroyed my phone so if someone texted me I’m sorry I couldn’t’ reply.
Other stuff happened this weekend but that who gives a shit anymore.
The only thing keeping me going is these energy drinks.

This journal was disorganized but I could care less at this point and you’ve wasted your time reading this.

Let the rain fall, I don’t care.

On another note, I'm sorry I can't help you with your problem.
I'm sorry that for once I have nothing to say.
Maybe because the fact that my whole life is spiraling down slowly
That I'm losing touch with everyone slowly.
That I'm scared, that I almost cry everyday because I know eventually that I will lose touch. And those people who I love and care for so much will never talk to me again even though I make effort and time to talk to them.
I'm sorry and they have no fucking idea how much I need them to just talk to me.
They have no fucking clue who they are.

heartcrash_x @ 2007-07-17T12:28:00

2007-07-17T17:38:51Z

There are times where I just need someone to talk to me.
Not ask me what's wrong.
This times are not rare, they're quite often actually.
And everytime I talk to someone, and they don't talk back
I just get that much more depressed.
Yes, I am depressed. This shouldn't be a shocker to you.
There's only two people I've grown dependent on to talk back always
Both of their names start with an 'L' and one already knows who she is.
But the other probably has no idea.
She has no idea she's killing off three years slowly.
She has no idea she's killing me off slowly.

'she said, I needed you. I needed you.'

And she has no idea.

breathe. be different.

2007-07-17T14:30:10Z

"You're like, the black sheep of the family you know?"
"Yeah, I know."
"...Feels good doesn't it?"
"Real good."

it feels real good.

my brother and I pwn.

heartcrash_x @ 2007-07-16T18:43:00

2007-07-16T23:42:53Z

i would give anything to talk to a person who will make me think about the things that scare me, the things that i find hard to talk about, and will help me see the world from another point of view.

setting up sunday.

2007-07-16T14:27:12Z

"You wanna know what I pray for? I actually pray for peace..."
"Well, isn't she just Miss America."

God, I love my brother and how we both good off in the back of church :D
They say the good Lord forgives all... right?

Breanna and I at Jalapeno Tree :D

2007-07-04T20:12:48Z

"Wait, what about bomb sniffing dogs?"
"OH! I WANT A BOMB SNIFFINF DOG! Cos then they'd be sniffing me all the time... because I'm the bomb."

That's right. I'm da bomb xD

heartcrash_x @ 2007-07-01T22:08:00

2007-07-02T03:15:54Z

Friday Morning:

3am bedtime. 5am wake up.
My visions not at it’s best right now and my throat is telling me to keep my mouth shut, that’s a probably a good idea anyway.
My mouth is my worse weapon and it always seems to be getting me into a fight.
Do not ask me how many hours I’ve slept this week because I’ve lost count but I can bet that the numbers are low, very low.
The feeling of being numb has set in and I haven’t felt better, now if I could just pay attention long enough to figure why I even bother writing these things down but I have my laptop and my cds here to help keep my thoughts somewhat in line.
Seven hours till Jackson, Mississippi. Hope they’re ready because I’m not.

Not sure what time we left the front gate but I’m going to say nearly seven because we hit Louisiana at 9.
Blew out a tire on the truck at 9thirty.
LA roads are too rough for tires that have traveled far too much in their time.
So, now we don’t have a spare truck tire or a spare trailer tire because we blew one of those out on the way to Longview last week.
Can you hear me now, God?

we come together to find a road but the freeway can be brutal.

I think when you travel too much everything starts to look the same.
Everything just kind of blends in together and it’s just another paved road taking and leading your mind another mile, I’m just the passenger.
Headphones on ear and hearts on paused.
Let’s make this one count
I can’t afford to go home empty handed this time
And I don’t think there’s enough room for another dent on my heart.

Friday Night:
Had the most amazing evening/night. I met one of my besterest online friends Hannah. And at Wendy’s too! It was so awesome, one of the best days of my life. It was amazing, I never thought this would happen for another few years.

Saturday:
Jealousy.
It’s all over Mississippi and all eyes are on me
Waiting to see if I’ll mess up this time
They’re holding their breath for that 14-second ride
And the clock is sketching my every move
The timer isn’t my friend, born enemies and is always against me it seems
It teases me with its yellow lights and how it’s numbers get higher in each step
Each heart beat. Each blink. Each breath. Each and every hesitation will show
The people scream, the crowd is so intimidating and it’s over.
It’s all over.

Two barrels down and my hearts crashing, hopes are low and everybody’s whispering when you walk. Expensive thrills for a cheap taste, it wasn’t supposed to turn out this way.

I’m coming home to you Texas; I should’ve never left you.

Tonight leave me alone I’m lonely. Alone, I’m lonely. I’m tired, leave me alone, I’m lonely.

Friday night was the only good thing that’s came out of this trip.

Sunday Morning:
Lisa had a good run last night, good enough to win her first. I couldn’t forget because people kept coming up to her and telling her how good of a run she had, how good of a rider she is. Why doesn’t that happen to me? My parents keep bragging and repeating the same stuff over and over and over and it’s making me sick to my stomach of how proud they are. Why don’t they do that when I win?

I needed yesterday I needed it bad. I lost my lead and it’s going to be hell getting it back. I’m debating in my head after this year I’m going to stop rodeoing; the shit I get put through can’t be worth it. It just can’t.

”You’ll do fine,” Well, I didn’t.

Sunday Evening:
Where am I? Not at home is for sure. I am at Marshall and I have no idea why I just signed up for this barrel race when I already know what’s going to happen.

“You have to believe in yourself,” she says.

I can’t believe in myself if you don’t even believe in me. I need backup on this.

“You have to imagine in your mind what you want to happen,” she says.

You don’t want to know what I’m imagining in my head right now. Trust me, the results would end up in a hospital.

Sunday Night:
I shouldn't have entered. I shouldn't have got on. I shouldn't have even tried when I already knew what was going to happen. I think everybody knew what was going to happen, I just didn't want to believe it I guess. Don't tell me it's fine because I know it's not going to be and your words can't help me, you can't help me and you can't help yourself.

If you texted me, I apologize. I'm not a very talkative person right now. I'm tried, I'm depressed and I just had maybe one of the worst weekends. (excluding meeting Hannah)

if it takes away the pain, it's alright.

fuck the shrink, i have a CD player.

2007-06-28T02:20:13Z

"Why don't you want to be here?"
"Because this is a waste of time. I know what's wrong with me."
"There isn't anything wrong with you dear"
"Then tell me why the hell am I here?"
"Look, I don't appreciate attitude..."
"Good. Because I'm not giving you any."
"I think I see where your anger is coming from. I think this has to do with your parents. Specifically your dad."
"Oh, took you an hour to figure that out? I could've told you that."
"But you didn't."
"You never asked. They never do."

dont ask.

2007-06-18T15:12:07Z

Cut these lips
And bite my tongue
We're to young to die by guns.

She's a teenager who never gave a fuck
This scene is so cliche is so many ways
She doesn't drink to be drunk, she drinks to be cool
To kill off the last life line she has, to prove she's a fool.
Liquor on her breath, regret on her lips
She'll get it all out with her fingertips

The next night she'll get high with no reason why
Just something her friends said she ought to try
To pass the time because something in her mind wasn't right
She'll feel fine at the time until life turns into crime
And she thinks the only way out is through suicide

old quizilla entry.

2007-06-15T23:47:48Z

Rewind.
To the past, that is.
Stop.
Trying to understand me.
Play.
The show must go on.
This is a play with parts for two – me and you.
In the end someone dies…
But no one chooses you.

To a whole other subject, if you will.
I write of memories in songs and poems
On the back of the letters with your name signed in cursive at the end.
Love always or at least until tomorrow.
She felt in italics
And acted in bold.
She thought in capitals
Yet never said a word.
“Maybe you’re gonna be the one that saves me
After all, you are my wonderwall”
Give me a pen and paper in a room where the only light source is coming the lamp on the desk, and I’ll be fine.
Let me write down every thought, every nightmare and every memory then fold them neatly.
Then let me burn them.
And then we can move on to the next step,
And we’ll burn these bridges together.
Until there’s not a match we haven’t lit or a can of kerosene we haven’t poured. We’ll watch them burn
Then we’ll watch them fall together.

We’re burned out.
And we’re torn down.
We’re not as strong as you think we are.

Burned down. Fell down. Looked down (at).

I am a bridge, and there isn’t a person who hasn’t crossed me

i'm in such a writing mood.

2007-06-15T17:16:52Z

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

i think she knows who

2007-06-14T01:08:17Z

I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look
And for a moment, for a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone, no one hears me cry

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how I've changed my life forever
I know I should know better
There are days when I'm OK
And for a moment, for a moment I find hope
But there are days when I'm not OK
And I need your help
So I'm letting go

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day

You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when but I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow
(together we'll make it through somehow)

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day

heartcrash_x @ 2007-06-13T15:53:00

2007-06-13T20:53:16Z

maybe it's the only way we can finally stand on our own. you know, to hurt each other so much that we have no choice but to let go. maybe otherwise, we never would.

heartcrash_x @ 2007-06-12T08:58:00

2007-06-12T13:59:04Z

i felt something catch in my throat, a sudden surge or sadness that caught me unaware. it almost managed to take my breath away. that was the thing; you never got used to it. you never got used to the idea of someone being gone. just when you think it's okay and you think you've accepted it, someone points it out to you and it hits you all over again, and it's just as shocking as the first time.

heartcrash_x @ 2007-06-11T17:17:00

2007-06-11T22:21:37Z

Constantly thinking I think I've finally figured it out.

I don't think I like you, like you. I think I just like the way you make me feel wanted...
I hope you're not going to be mad at me after reading this.

heartcrash_x @ 2007-06-10T01:19:00

2007-06-10T06:19:09Z

it's nice to think someone might do it. :x

Post an ANONYMOUS comment with the following:
1. One secret.
2. One compliment.
3. One non-compliment.
4. One love note, but it does not have to be for me.
5. Lyrics to a song.
6. One wish of yours.
7. What you'd do to me if you saw/met me.
8. And a hint to who you are.
9. After you do it for me, put it in your LJ and see who does it for you.

heartcrash_x @ 2007-06-09T22:20:00

2007-06-10T03:20:51Z

they didn't figure it out =/
i really wish i knew how they felt about me...

can i stand under your umbrella?

2007-06-09T21:14:50Z

I think I like you as more than a friend...
But I'm not sure. Love confuses my sleep deprived mind.
I don't think they'll figure it out this was about them either.

heartcrash_x @ 2007-06-08T06:41:00

2007-06-08T11:43:19Z

i seem to be dissapointing a lot of people lately.
for being so fucked up, I apologize.
shame on me for trying to run my own life