here's to drinking orange juice out of the carton at 3am because nobody's up to know.

yesterday. really, really bad fight with my dad.
of course it's raining.
of course I'm going to run off crying.
of course nobody even knows I left
of course nobody even comes looking for me.
I didn't think I was going to go back
But I did
though not sure why. what the hell is here for me?
what is it with this week? so much fucking drama.



today. my brother is here
things are good for right now
he's moving down here. fuck yes.
bring on the parties.



lifes not too short, it's just that you're dead for so long.
key

You're a liar.
I don't believe a fucking word you said because you don't have the shit to back it up.
Yes, I'm angry.
Yes, I'm hurt.
Yes, I'm dissapointed.
Yes, I cried.
And yes, I'm stupid.
I trusted you.
Look where that got me.

just remember
this hurt me a fucking whole lot more than it hurt you.
this killed me.


could you cry a little?
die just a little?
pretend that you feel a little more pain?
forget not wanting something in return.
could you cry a little for me

like i did for you.

You don't know my name
You don't know anything about me
And you've been all wrong
I'm not who you think I am
You've never given me the chance

You don't know how it feels
To be outside the crowd
You don't know what it's like
To be left out
And you don't know how it feels
To be your own best friend on the outside looking in

Well, I'm tired of staying at home
I'm bored and all alone
I'm sick of waisting all my time.
[for you.]

Friday:
Stand in the rain, not too close to the ground though.
You have less of being struck by lightning there.

You can't lay down and die now.


Saturday
Mountain dew, Benadryl and sour patch kids are the only thing in my system.
I never did lead a healthy life. Rodeo isn’t a healthy life. It's filled with false hope and dissapointment. You never come out ahead either way. Win or lose.
Take it to the crowd, swing wide on the right and all falls down from there.

Third. Second loser. There's no more hope. There's not enough time now and there's too much time on the clock. Too many numbers for a win.

You don't understand, It's not okay. Rodeo is my fucking life and I'm losing at it.


Point and aim for Chicago, pray I don't miss and land in a hospital.

so, i'm thinking of deleting this journal. my screen name. my myspace. my quizilla and everything else and just starting all over without telling anyone else unless someone, anyone, can give me one damn good reason not too.

And I don't want to hear this whole "I love you" shit I've been hearing lately.
This whole world is full of liars anyway.

Friday:

It's storming outside
Inside too.
Have you ever listened to the rain?
I mean, actually closed your eyes, pressed your forehead to the pane and listened to it pound on the window?
I don't mean to sound poetic, but it's beautiful.
It creates this song in your ear, like the Gods are sending you your own song.
And it's just yours. No one else's.
And for that time that it rains nothing is more important than listening to your song.
You can create your own words to it, imagine them in your head because writing them down would useless because nothing sounds as good on paper than it does in your own head.
Don't bother to tell anyone else the lyrics because you already know they wouldn't understand.
I think my lyrics are just as dark as the rain clouds.
Although, I think the sun would be more of your giving.
Because you're bright.. happy.
On the most part anyway.

I need more of the sun before I get washed away.




Saturday:
It’s raining.
Emotions don’t control the weather but for today I’m going to believe they do.
And I’m going to create a storm.
The heavens will send me the rain provided by Mike’s tears.
I’ll create the thunder with my voice and the lightning with my hands.
We’ll see who’ll be the last to stand.

This weekend sucked and in the worse way. I won’t go into detail mostly because I know I don’t have the time and just because I really don’t want too. This is a ‘no questions asked’ entry by the way. That includes you Liv.
Spent over an hour with five different cops Saturday.
Almost beat the living shit out of some day for calling Mike a thief and a crook.
I’m serious, if Chas wouldn’t be so freaking tall and was holding me back and if those cops weren’t there, there would’ve been a throw down.
I have a bad temper and a short fuse so it’s best if you don’t fucking piss me off.
You’ll never know how fucking bad that pissed me off.
So much, I was almost to the point of crying because I couldn’t do anything about it.
And Mike isn’t here to defend him own self.
God, rest his soul.
“I’m almost a lawyer.”
Bullshit. That’s like almost being pregnant you douche.
You’re about one clown away from being a circus buddy. Seriously, how much more stupider can you get?
In the end, we got $1,500 dollars and a guy went home with what was technically our horse. Fucking bastards this town has.
May God have mercy on you because I will not.
That was Saturday evening and I could’ve used someone to talk to.
But obviously I pissed her off and she turned her phone off.
I won’t say whom because I’m pretty sure she already knows who she is.

Saturday evening, about thirty minutes after the cops left, I destroyed my phone so if someone texted me I’m sorry I couldn’t’ reply.
Other stuff happened this weekend but that who gives a shit anymore.
The only thing keeping me going is these energy drinks.

This journal was disorganized but I could care less at this point and you’ve wasted your time reading this.

Let the rain fall, I don’t care.


On another note, I'm sorry I can't help you with your problem.
I'm sorry that for once I have nothing to say.
Maybe because the fact that my whole life is spiraling down slowly
That I'm losing touch with everyone slowly.
That I'm scared, that I almost cry everyday because I know eventually that I will lose touch. And those people who I love and care for so much will never talk to me again even though I make effort and time to talk to them.
I'm sorry and they have no fucking idea how much I need them to just talk to me.
They have no fucking clue who they are.

There are times where I just need someone to talk to me.
Not ask me what's wrong.
This times are not rare, they're quite often actually.
And everytime I talk to someone, and they don't talk back
I just get that much more depressed.
Yes, I am depressed. This shouldn't be a shocker to you.
There's only two people I've grown dependent on to talk back always
Both of their names start with an 'L' and one already knows who she is.
But the other probably has no idea.
She has no idea she's killing off three years slowly.
She has no idea she's killing me off slowly.

'she said, I needed you. I needed you.'


And she has no idea.

"You're like, the black sheep of the family you know?"
"Yeah, I know."
"...Feels good doesn't it?"
"Real good."


it feels real good.

my brother and I pwn.

i would give anything to talk to a person who will make me think about the things that scare me, the things that i find hard to talk about, and will help me see the world from another point of view.